A Fearless Reporter Auditions as a Bikini Barista

This story first seemed within the Dec. four, 2013, version of WW.

there are many motives a lady may reply to a Craigslist want advert for bikini baristas. perhaps pointed out lady at all times desired to study a useful change. Or perhaps she had longed for years to indulge her exhibitionist aspect however not ever discovered the correct venue through which to achieve this. Orâ€"bear with meâ€"it may be that at the time she came across the advert, our job hunter changed into 36 years old, unemployed, broke and dwelling together with her mother. In different phrases, what did she have to lose?

Some pubic hair, for starters. On the morning of my interview with Dream girl Espresso, I woke early, not because i was nervous however as a result of I had to do anything I hadn’t achieved in monthsâ€"shave my bikini line.

After weeks of forget about, the consequences were what you may imagine: crimson, itchy bumps in every single place. nevertheless, nothing could deter me. Having come across the Dream lady Espresso desire advert during my day by day job search, I had determined to join the ranks of muckraker feminist journalists comparable to Gloria Steinem (see “A Bunny’s tale”) and Nellie Bly (I suffer from delusions of grandeur) and tell the story of bikini barista-ing. From the internal.

Per the need ad’s instructions, I had despatched off a bikini selfie and a truncated work background to the Dream lady Espresso inbox. Two hours later, I obtained an email from Leah, part-proprietor of the kiosk, asking when i used to be purchasable for an interview. We settled on a Wednesday at 9 am.

“text in case you’re going to be late,” she spoke of.

Sandwiched between a defunct gentlemen’s club and a Mexican restaurant, the Dream girl Espresso espresso kiosk in Hillsboro is complicated to omit: a large, scorching-crimson sign advertising the best coffee on the town elements the manner. i used to be 10 minutes early and passed the time staring at 4 dudesâ€"three in Ford F-150sâ€"get their espresso on.

once out of my car, I noticed her, the Dream girl of the Day, dressed to support our troops, behind sliding glass. The backside half of her tanned physique was poured into butt-revealing camouflage boy shorts. On right, she wore a crimson-lace bralette and a camo conductor hat. The pièce de résistance? A bandolier of false bullets between her breasts.

“Are you my 9 o’clock?” she asked me.

“You’re Leah?”

“Door’s open.”

interior, the kiosk became cozy and vivid. I couldn’t take my eyes off Leah. She become the preferred small-business owner I’d ever seen.

“Are these true?” I asked her, pointing toward the bullets but subconsciously which means her breasts. They have been superb. Megan Fox in here's forty excellent. i wanted to pull a Leslie Mann and contact them and cry.

Leah cocked an eyebrow. “Oh my God. can you imagine?”

I had idea it might just be me and Leah speaking, but quickly a person in sun shades walked in, introduced himself as Jeff, and took over. He had pockmarked dermis, a lisp and a salesman’s swagger. He asked me to overview my work background, and again I fudged a little, telling him I’d in most cases worked as a instructor, some faculty, some high school, but that i was having a tough time discovering a job in my field.

“Ooh,” Leah noted, wiping a countertop clean. “scorching for teacher.”

“So why do you want this job?” Jeff requested.

I started to sweat. “i love coffee?”

He smirked. “everyone loves espresso. however here? right here you need to be sizzling. Are you sizzling?”

“Oh, I don’t be aware of,” I spoke of, crossing my arms over my chest. Then I begun yammering about how, whereas i used to be obviously older than the different Dream girls in his make use of, i used to be a beautiful conversationalist and could possibly flow for the scorching librarian class. I think I even outlined that I had a grasp’s degree, which every person who has one is aware of is a certain signal of desperation.

“however are you hot?” he asked.

He motioned for me to undress, which I did, hurriedly, nearly falling over when my jean leg bought caught on my foot. in the meantime, Leah poured a latte for a bald man on a motorcycle.

Jeff gave my light physique the once-over. “Now stroll round, get used to it.”

I took a few steps towards Leah after which type of backed my way into the corner the place they saved the drink recipes. It turned into like starring on the planet’s saddest swimsuit competition.

“You’re sizzling,” he talked about.

My hotness established, Jeff acquainted me with the important thing to successful bikini-coffee income. It’s all about the upsell. He could train any individual to make good espressoâ€"”Starbucks and Dutch Brothers received nothing on us,” he observedâ€"but first-class pictures had been only part of the equation.

He gave me a for-example. First time through, a person orders a plain cup of joe. He’s shy. He’s intimidated by the on-duty Dream lady, so it’s time for her to work her magic and talk him into coming with the aid of later on for a latte or mocha. ladies may still give every man at the least 10 minutes, Jeff observed. It doesn’t matter how lengthy the road is. The theory is to make the effort, ask him about his job, his family. Make him consider special.

but no longer too special.

“not ever flash the shoppers,” Jeff mentioned. “I don’t care how tons they tip. We’re not a strip membership. We’re an elegant company that sells a very good cup of bikini coffee.” He brought up that Leah wore pasties underneath her appropriate. “You have to cowl your junk,” he brought, ultimately taking off the hues and giving my crotch a cursory look. I adopted his gaze south and wished I hadn’t. The bumps had gone from a little bit aggravated to flaming pink. I excused myself and pulled on my pants.

Jeff’s eyes have been a disconcerting gold colour. “consider you’re going to sell bikini espresso to your jeans?”

“I’m cold.”

“that you can’t be cold and promote bikini espresso.”

The more he said “bikini espresso” the greater I visualized little cups of espresso wearing string bikinis, frolicking on a seaside far-off from television motorway.

placing on my pants looked as if it would put an conclusion to the interview. Joe left, suggesting Leah and that i get enhanced acquainted, and whereas I complete getting dressed I compiled a intellectual checklist of questions. perhaps Leah and i could share a sister second, definitely delve into no matter if or not she felt empowered by her job or exploited or neither. was it simply a means to feel relatively and make a living? the entire equal, did she be anxious about the message her company could be sending to younger women about why and how they should still be valued? may this period of the sexy selfie shared so regularly with chums and even strangers be making a generation of ladies who best felt visible when on screen? And what became the way forward for feminism anyway?

“We’ll call you,” Leah mentioned, offering me a thin, bloodless hand.

They on no account referred to as. curiously I wasn’t hot ample. not Dream lady material anyway. So my bikini is lower back within the drawer, resting in opposition t my pink-lace bustier and matching panties, with a purpose to under no circumstances see the easy of kiosk. My razor is safely stowed away. and i’m again to cruising the Craigslist desire advertisements every day, looking for the best job.

There’s that ad once again: “Bikini Baristas desired.”

good success, girls. And Godspeed.